Some times you just have to mourn the past

I have always been told to keep your head up and keep moving forward and this can work sometimes. But, recently I have come to discover that sometimes you have to STOP and GRIEVE to be able to move forward.

~~~

This past New Years Eve was a hard one for me. This year, I decided to celebrate with yoga and Mantra to clear away blocks from the previous year and set my intention for the coming year.

I went in expecting to chant and do some yoga into the new years and come out full of happiness light and joy.

Instead, I was shocked that I began to get angry and frustrated, confronted by parts of myself that I thought I had dealt with. 

I left the event not full of the joy and light, as I was expecting, but with sadness and frustration staring me straight in the face. 

I was confused at first.

The event was amazing, well done and beautiful. Why was I reacting like this??

I began to talk through things that were coming up with myself and my mother. Verbalizing things that I was ashamed to admit. But once the gate was open I just kept going:

Hi my name is Param Sevak Kaur,

I look for love and affection from other people because I struggle to find it in myself.

I have always worked to help and fix others in a hope that they will in turn love me and need me.

I struggle to find community because even when it is surrounding me part of myself has never felt worthy enough to be a part of the group.

Wow pretty deep stuff.
And here I had been working so hard to love myself these last few years.
But then it hit me.

I have been working on myself and it is showing. 

The fact that I was able to voice parts of myself, that for most of my life I didn't even know guided me, was huge!!!!!

The following morning New Years day I woke up no longer angry, but instead filled with a deep sadness.
Well this was great first I was angry New Years Eve and now I was starting the New Years with sadness?? REALLY???
At first I couldn't pin down why I was upset. Feeling at moments like a tired moody teen instead of the adult I was. And then it hit me...

I Was In the Mourning Part of Letting Go!

 After processing everything I had the night before I was able mourn for the person I used to be. I was mourning for all of the ideas and protective walls I had created that I have been bringing down around my feet over the last year. I was mourning, so that I could acknowledge and release the pain and shame I had held onto for so long.

So often we do not allow ourselves the honor and peace to mourn parts of ourselves we let go.

We are so focused on moving forward and growing that we forget it is good to look back, let the pain and sadness our, and then thank and say a proper good bye to the parts of ourselves that we are letting go.

They were there for a reason: 

to teach you, and to guide you for your next part of your journey. 

Honor that, but also honor the sadness of saying goodbye to something that was a large part of yourself!

That part of me that looked for love from other? 

Taught me to be strong in myself.
For I never found the love I was looking for in others and it began me on my journey to look for love from myself!

That part of me that worked to help and fix others in hopes of finding love from them?

Lead me to understand that deep down I do love serving others but not as a 'fix it girl' but in actually serving other: volunteering for those who are in need.

If I had never struggled with these lessons how would I have searched for the path to who I really am inside??

So Dear Younger Param Sevak,

Thank You!

Your struggle and strength amazes me everyday. The things you went through, the trials you experienced was truly all worth it. I know though at the time it didn't seem like it, but it really was. We met amazing people, learned so much about ourself and those around us and discovered things about ourself that we only could dream of.

You gave me memories and skills that I will cherish as I continue forward in this life. I will look back on you not with frustration but with gratitude for all the lessons you taught me. I know I can have a rather thick skull at times. But I am a better person now because of YOU! Because of your bravery, because of your strength and because of your desire for something more!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Love,
 PSK

As I write this I can image my younger self saying 'Well good! I'm glad you finally learned something' and then sticking her tongue at me. "Okay older PSK, its your turn now go learn something cool too."

She then waves and goes skipping off in to the distance to watch and I continue this new part of my journey.

So no, this isn't how I expected my new years to be, but you know what? I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
What I receive was more precious to me then anything I could have asked for.

Gratitude and A Deep Release

 I am now ready to move forward stronger into the new year.

Not just charging ahead into 2015 but honoring and remembering all that has come before with gratitude and grace so I may make a new path into this new year!

May you take a moment this new year to give thanks and release your younger self. I'm sure he/she is just waiting for you to give them a hug and say thanks you did good kid ;)

Bright blessings and with Love!

P.S.K

Here is a good meditation for healing and releasing the past.

Meditation for the Arc Line and the Clear Karma