Some times I'm scared of myself

So I'll be frank with you all.
Some times I am absolutely terrified of myself, of taking a look inside of myself.

Why you ask?

You know I don't even really know the answer. Some people say it is because we are scared of our own greatness. Others say it is because we are scared of our own darkness. All I truly know is that when I am true, real and honest with myself, and try to take a look in there are times when I feel such a vastness inside that it scares me.


Now really it is not a "bad" vastness no, it is just simply vast. Full of all the darkest of nights and brightest of days. Full of endless gorgeous possibilities and a wasteland of despairs.

And that vastness, as large as this entire universe, completely and utterly terrifies me. Some days when the band aid of "my reality" is ripped off (the world I have create in my mind that is contained and "simple") and I am asked to embrace the infinite potential and totality of myself, I just want to curl in a tiny ball and cry.

Seeing that vast void within is like watching at a star 'explode'. 

It is truly terrifying and yet at the same immensely beautiful.

Maybe it is because I have created this concept of what it is to be a light being and that there is no place for the darkness that I hold inside of me. Maybe I have been told, and lead to believe, by myself and others that you can not have darkness with light?

But I know some where deep inside of me this is false. There is not light with out darkness and vice versus. So how the hell does a "holy" light being experience the dark within with out judgement or restriction?

Many different belief cultures have darkness balanced with the light. (I am just pointing out some of the feminine archetypes I have personally been drawn to there are many more)

Some in the judeo/ christian faith, look to the Black Madonna as well as her pure virgin counter point. Also, some see Eve and Lilith as a balanced aspect. There is also Persephone and Mother Kali just to name a few other.

So why is it that we as humans feel we must be one way or the other. That this great vastness must be placed into our little box so we can 'understand' how we relate to it?

Maybe this is the biggest question for ourselves? What happens when we stop trying to BE something? The sun does not decide to shine each day, the tree does not decide to lose it's leaves in the fall. They just ARE. 

But do we even know what and who we are... 

We become so wrapped up in what we should be that we forget who we already are.  And I guess that really is what comes to scare us. We are not afraid of our greatness or of our darkness, but the fact that we are it all and we do not know how to deal with that. 

All Light is not good and all Darkness is not bad and that makes the world and ourselves more complicated to deal with. 

It means we see ourselves in everything, because we are everything and that is HUGE!!! So maybe that is why I am scared to look at myself. I am scared that I am a big infinite ball of Gray. A creator and destroyer. That I am more amazing and more terrible that I could ever imagine. And that that is exactly as I was made and therefore I have an immense responsibility in this world to honor and acknowledge EVERYTHING. Because, if this vast darkness and light are inside me, and I was made this way, then that amazing beauty and horrible destruction all has a purpose and we are all part of it. 

So maybe when I go to take a look inside, I will look from a place of wonder instead of a place of judgement. And then when I look into the sparkling terrifying vastness inside myself I will no longer be scared, but amazing and grateful.

*Added meditation

In response to everything I thought about, wrote about, and posted yesterday, it seems the universe decided to give me a helping hand. Here is a Meditation that deal exactly with what I posted about :)

To make peace with the shadow try reciting the 18th Pauri of Japji Sahib 11 times a day. 

At 40 or more days you "clear yourself of attachment to good or bad, to overcome deep feelings of inferiority, to break self-destructive behavior patterns, and to surrender in complete acceptance of what is-both in yourself and in others".
From I am a woman p 83

18th Pauri of Japji

Asankh murakh andh ghor.  Asankh chor haraam-khor. 

Countless fools, blinded by ignorance. Countless thieves and cheaters. 

Asankh amar kar jaahe jor. Asankh gal vadh hatiaa kamaahe.

 Countless impose their will by force. Countless cut-throats and gather sins.

Asank paapi paa kar jaah. Asankh kuriar kure phiraah.

 Countless sinners who keep on sinning. Countless liars, wander lost in their lies

Asankh malechh mal bhakhi khaah. Asankh nindak sir karah bhaar.

Countless wretches, eat filth for food. Countless slanders, make their heads heavy 

Naanak nich kahai vichaar. Vaariaa na jaavaa ek vaar.

Lowly Nanak, gives this explanation. I cannot even begin to describe You. 

Jo tudh bhaavai saai bhali kaar. Tu sadaa salaamat Nirankar.

Whatever pleases You, All will be blessed, You always protect us, Formless One!

To help me keep track of my 40 days. I color in a petal each day I mediate, so when I finish I have a beautiful lotus to remember my journey:

Love to all

PSK