Some times I'm scared of myself

So I'll be frank with you all.
Some times I am absolutely terrified of myself, of taking a look inside of myself.

Why you ask?

You know I don't even really know the answer. Some people say it is because we are scared of our own greatness. Others say it is because we are scared of our own darkness. All I truly know is that when I am true, real and honest with myself, and try to take a look in there are times when I feel such a vastness inside that it scares me.


Now really it is not a "bad" vastness no, it is just simply vast. Full of all the darkest of nights and brightest of days. Full of endless gorgeous possibilities and a wasteland of despairs.

And that vastness, as large as this entire universe, completely and utterly terrifies me. Some days when the band aid of "my reality" is ripped off (the world I have create in my mind that is contained and "simple") and I am asked to embrace the infinite potential and totality of myself, I just want to curl in a tiny ball and cry.

Seeing that vast void within is like watching at a star 'explode'. 

It is truly terrifying and yet at the same immensely beautiful.

Maybe it is because I have created this concept of what it is to be a light being and that there is no place for the darkness that I hold inside of me. Maybe I have been told, and lead to believe, by myself and others that you can not have darkness with light?

But I know some where deep inside of me this is false. There is not light with out darkness and vice versus. So how the hell does a "holy" light being experience the dark within with out judgement or restriction?

Many different belief cultures have darkness balanced with the light. (I am just pointing out some of the feminine archetypes I have personally been drawn to there are many more)

Some in the judeo/ christian faith, look to the Black Madonna as well as her pure virgin counter point. Also, some see Eve and Lilith as a balanced aspect. There is also Persephone and Mother Kali just to name a few other.

So why is it that we as humans feel we must be one way or the other. That this great vastness must be placed into our little box so we can 'understand' how we relate to it?

Maybe this is the biggest question for ourselves? What happens when we stop trying to BE something? The sun does not decide to shine each day, the tree does not decide to lose it's leaves in the fall. They just ARE. 

But do we even know what and who we are... 

We become so wrapped up in what we should be that we forget who we already are.  And I guess that really is what comes to scare us. We are not afraid of our greatness or of our darkness, but the fact that we are it all and we do not know how to deal with that. 

All Light is not good and all Darkness is not bad and that makes the world and ourselves more complicated to deal with. 

It means we see ourselves in everything, because we are everything and that is HUGE!!! So maybe that is why I am scared to look at myself. I am scared that I am a big infinite ball of Gray. A creator and destroyer. That I am more amazing and more terrible that I could ever imagine. And that that is exactly as I was made and therefore I have an immense responsibility in this world to honor and acknowledge EVERYTHING. Because, if this vast darkness and light are inside me, and I was made this way, then that amazing beauty and horrible destruction all has a purpose and we are all part of it. 

So maybe when I go to take a look inside, I will look from a place of wonder instead of a place of judgement. And then when I look into the sparkling terrifying vastness inside myself I will no longer be scared, but amazing and grateful.

*Added meditation

In response to everything I thought about, wrote about, and posted yesterday, it seems the universe decided to give me a helping hand. Here is a Meditation that deal exactly with what I posted about :)

To make peace with the shadow try reciting the 18th Pauri of Japji Sahib 11 times a day. 

At 40 or more days you "clear yourself of attachment to good or bad, to overcome deep feelings of inferiority, to break self-destructive behavior patterns, and to surrender in complete acceptance of what is-both in yourself and in others".
From I am a woman p 83

18th Pauri of Japji

Asankh murakh andh ghor.  Asankh chor haraam-khor. 

Countless fools, blinded by ignorance. Countless thieves and cheaters. 

Asankh amar kar jaahe jor. Asankh gal vadh hatiaa kamaahe.

 Countless impose their will by force. Countless cut-throats and gather sins.

Asank paapi paa kar jaah. Asankh kuriar kure phiraah.

 Countless sinners who keep on sinning. Countless liars, wander lost in their lies

Asankh malechh mal bhakhi khaah. Asankh nindak sir karah bhaar.

Countless wretches, eat filth for food. Countless slanders, make their heads heavy 

Naanak nich kahai vichaar. Vaariaa na jaavaa ek vaar.

Lowly Nanak, gives this explanation. I cannot even begin to describe You. 

Jo tudh bhaavai saai bhali kaar. Tu sadaa salaamat Nirankar.

Whatever pleases You, All will be blessed, You always protect us, Formless One!

To help me keep track of my 40 days. I color in a petal each day I mediate, so when I finish I have a beautiful lotus to remember my journey:

Love to all

PSK

Finding the healthy path with unhealthy relationships

So there have been a few things floating about in my head over the last few weeks and I wasn't sure which one was going to win out for me to write about.  But what has been on my mind the most it seems lately is what does one do about relationships with others that are unhealthy.

So I've talked loads about coming to peace with yourself and I will most likely continue to talk about that. But, the question comes up:

"What do you do when the relationship with someone else in your life is unhealthy?"

Hmmm that is a tough one. Right? Especially since often we care about the person, that is why they are in our lives. 

Where is the line between helping and loving others and helping and loving yourself drawn. 

I know I have always personally struggled with this. If I love the person I should support them, stay by there side and help them right? That is what you do for a person you love. But when do you draw the line? When do you say, "this is not healthy for me". 

This is not always easy. 

Many times we stay in toxic relationships, be they romantic or just platonic, because we feel it is "the right thing to do". I know! I'm the queen of this mentality. I often put others needs above myself in attempts to care for them and love them. But love without guidance can hurt sometimes more then it can help. What you say? How does that work?

Simple.

Sometimes at a certain point by trying to "help" a person you are actually not helping but sheltering and not letting them walk their own journey.

Now I'm not saying don't help people. Not at all. I'm saying you have know when it is time to let the person walk by themselves. You can be there on the side lines if they fall walking in the right direction, but you can't hold some one's hand forever while they run around where ever they wish.

So, how do we know? How do we figure out when it is time to stand aside and say, "No you have to walk on your own now. I am not going to hold your hands this time?" 

I have found that when you really care about someone you give your love and energy to the relationship. Therefore when things start to go south, or it becomes obvious things are not healthy or supporting you, it is time to have a serious talk with yourself. 

Ask yourself two questions:

1) Am I Happy?

This is a big one. Be honest and real with yourself. Are you actually happy cut and dry simple. No.. well sometimes on a Thursday when the sky has four clouds and I'm wearing my pink shirt answer. Just cut and dry at this moment when you look at the relationship are you Happy?

If you answer isn't a resounding YES! Then it is time to look at why. This process is not always pretty, but it is necessary. 

2) Does the person support my growth as a human being?

If you don't feel inspired, supported or uplifted when you are around the person maybe it is time to look at the role they play in your life. The energy you surround yourself filters into your being and can shape the path you walk in this life. Hell if I have to choose to be surrounded by positive, loving people or negative hateful people I sure as heck am going to choose the people who are positive. Have you ever been in a great mood and then someone at the office was just so negative and it felt like it just sapped out all the joy in your day? Why would you want to surround yourself with that all the time? Of course you can't always help who you are surrounded with, but if you can choose and if they are someone you care very deeply about, wouldn't you want to have them bring you up not down?

So now if you were honest with yourself, you know if this person belongs in your inner circle. If you listen to your inner self it will never steer you wrong.

Try this Kriya if you really are unsure which way to go. It can help you tune into your intuition:
*note make sure to tune into your higher self with the Adi Mantra  before you start your practice (a video is coming soon for you all :) )

Kriya to Know Through Intuition

This kriya develops your ability to open to the Unknown through intuition and sensitivity. The first exercise done with the One Minute Breath links the Heart Center, the Arcline and your projection. Feel your magnetic field and Aura as you meditate. Establish an open, sensitive and unlimited field.

In exercise 2 the Sixth Chakra is stimulated into action with the sound of the high pitched whistle. The sound relaxes and opens. The hand lock enhances neutrality. The third exercise is the fulcrum. You create a polarity between the fixed hand position, like antennae, and the relaxed cells of the rest of the body. You welcome and receive the information and intuition from the known and Unknown. It is an excellent kriya to prepare for powerful prayer and to develop intuition.

1. Sit in Easy Pose with the spine straight. The left elbow is bent, palm flat facing the floor, in front of the Heart Center. The right arm is extended out to the front at a 60 degree angle. Close the eyes and breathe slowly and honestly. (Work up to breathing only one breath per minute.) Feel the Divine Presence around you. 11 minutes.

To end, stay in the position, inhale deep, hold the breath 10 seconds as you tighten all the muscles of the body. Exhale. Repeat 2 more times. Relax, roll your shoulders, stretch your arms and rib cage.

2. Extend the arms straight out in front of the chest with the palms touching and the thumbs locked over each other. Close the eyes and whistle a song of your choice. 7 minutes.

This posture affects the parathyroid and you may feel a pressure in your neck.

3. Put the hands in Lotus Mudra at eye level. Relax the entire body but hold the hand position firmly. Close the eyes for 3 minutes.

This is an intertwined action when one part of the body in a confined posture becomes the antenna and the rest of the body is relaxed to receive.

To end, inhale and clasp the hands in front of the Heart Center and press as hard as you can. Exhale and repeat 2 more times. Then relax, talk, and ground yourself for a few moments.

© The Teachings of Yogi Bhajan

[This kriya can be found in Transformation, vol. 2]

So now that you know if this person is someone who honestly supports your life and growth, as a person, it is time to apply this knowledge to your life.
If this relationship is not healthy then it maybe time to move away from this person and allow new people into your life. *Note: If you are in an abusive relationship and fear for your safety or the safety of others please seek professional help. If is okay to ask for help!! You deserve a life full of love and light, from yourself and others. 

This can sometimes be painful for all parties involved depending on the amount of energy you have invested into the relationship.

But breath, life is full of change and motion and this is just another change in your amazing beautiful life!!!

If you feel stressed about the situation you are in you can try this simple meditation as well:

Meditation for the Calm Heart  

1. Sit in easy pose with a straight spine, close the eyes or look straight ahead and leave the eyes 1/10th open.

2. Place the left hand palm down on your heart center. Bend the right arm resting the elbow against the side of the body, and hold the right hand in gyan mudra (thumb and pointer finger meeting with the other fingers extended) at the level of the shoulder.

3. Inhale deeply and retain the breath as long as you comfortably can.

4. Then, exhale slowly and hold the breath out as long as you comfortably can.

5. Continue for 3-5 minutes.

Note: Do not hold the breath in or out so long that you’re gasping or in distress. You may need to experiment a bit. Holding the breath out can be more difficult than holding the breath in because you are confronting a fear of death, but just relax and take it slowly. Soon you will be able to move past that fear and grow in your strength. 

 The Meditation for a Calm Heart can be found in Meditation as Medicine byDharma Singh Khalsa, MD. 

 Much Love and Light to you all! I hope you continue to walk forward strong and tall! Bringing the light and love you all deserve into each and every relationship.
P.S.K

Listen to Your Soul and Move Forward with Your Life

I know I am a bit behind with this post, but there is still some full moon energy that hangs around after the actual full moon. So, HA!

This past New Years, I talked about allowing yourself to mourn the past so that you can let it go with grace. With the Wolf Moon that just occurred (the First Full Moon of January) we have that chance to continue this work and release, cleanse and move forward from things that no longer serve us with a clear intuition and focus.

Every full moon has it's own energy that it gives off that then is layered upon by it's current astrological positions and events. I am just going to look at the base energy here but take a look at what astrologically is happening for a deeper understanding of what is going on around you.

So.... The Wolf Moon ...

I don't know about ya'll but it seems to me lately like everyone has been dealing with some pesky issue of their past lately. It could be an actual event or just a mental/emotional pattern that they are now looking at and asking "Do you serve me any longer?"

In my previous post I dealt with the first step of really letting go and that is honoring what is no longer serving you. Now we are ready to get down and dirty for the work ahead. The Wolf moon comes in one of the coldest and hardest times of the year in the northern hemisphere. This is the time when food is scarce and life can seem some what bleak in the wilderness but this is also the time when the Wolf is heard howling as a beacon in the night. 

She says now is not the time to meander around, picking and choosing what you think you need.  That luxury is reserved for warmed times, when the food is plentiful and the earth is awake. No! It is the heart of winter. Now is the time to cast aside all that is not serving you. Now is the time listen to your instinct. Now is the time to ACT so you may survive and thrive!

So sit down and think. Have I actually let go of what no longer serves me? It is all well and good to give honor and mourn parts of yourself, but it does you no good if you continue to cling to something you no longer need. 

If you are still clinging. 

LET IT GO!!!!

There are all kinds of ways to help yourself release things:

• One of my favorite ways to release  is to write down a word or phrase that represents some thing you wish to let go and then bury it or, if you wish, burn it! It can be very cathartic to physically "give up" that representation of what you want to let go.

• You can work on opening your heart center  with different Kriyas or Meditations

• You can cup your hands together and image blowing out, into your hands for a few minutes, the idea or feeling you want to release. 

There are just a few ideas to get you started. 

After you let go of the past, it is time to begin focusing forward onto the future. 

Remember it is the time of the Wolf Moon so as you move forward trust your deep intuition. Deep down in your soul you always know what is the right path for you. So if you are unsure where you should focus you new Wolf energy, try these two exercises:

Visual Collage

Sit down with a large selections of magazine with all sorts of images and articles, a pair of scissors, some glue and a piece of card stalk. 

Now flip through the magazines and see what images and words stand out at you. DO NOT try to second guess or make the images fit what you think they should be. Just pick images and words that appeal to you. It can be you liked the color or the sentiment of the image or the word/ words just jumped out at you. When you have gathered a small collection take a moment and see what you have and play with arrange it (with out glue) on your paper. You probably notice a theme starts to form. When I did my collage I found that most of my images where of nature and my words happen to all be about shining on your new path/ journey. For me, this collage is reminder of my desire to reconnect with myself and the beauty all around me. What does yours say to you?

Writing Exercises

Sit down with a piece of paper, a pen or pencil and a timer. Now write out 1 month, 3 months, 6 months, 9 months and 1 year and place only three lines under each heading. Like so:

1 month

1._____________

2._____________

3._____________

3 months

1._____________

2._____________

3._____________

ect. 

Take your timer and set it for 45 minutes and begin to write out your goals for the next year. Remember you can only put three goals under each heading so really think about what you want to put on this sheet. I know when I began my goal sheet last year, there was a project I felt 'I had to be a part of' yet, when I sat to write down my goals for the year that project didn't make the cut. I ended up realizing that I didn't actually want to be a part of the project and had stayed as long as I did only out of a sense of misplaced responsibility. 

As you write your goals, word them positively and with a sense of affirmation. Here are some examples:

I will love myself more when I look into the mirror.

I will be working as a contributing writer for Mantra + Yoga.

I will be working on my art more than I ever have and it will fill me with a sense of joy. 

When the time goes off put your pencil down. Your list is done! Take a look at where YOU want to head in the coming year and now make it happen. Believe in what you have written! 

This is your time to listen to yourself, focus and thrive. Hear the wolf's call and Live your Life. 

May the knowledge in your heart guide you to survive and thrive even in the harshest conditions!

Bright Blessings

<3 PSK

Some times you just have to mourn the past

I have always been told to keep your head up and keep moving forward and this can work sometimes. But, recently I have come to discover that sometimes you have to STOP and GRIEVE to be able to move forward.

~~~

This past New Years Eve was a hard one for me. This year, I decided to celebrate with yoga and Mantra to clear away blocks from the previous year and set my intention for the coming year.

I went in expecting to chant and do some yoga into the new years and come out full of happiness light and joy.

Instead, I was shocked that I began to get angry and frustrated, confronted by parts of myself that I thought I had dealt with. 

I left the event not full of the joy and light, as I was expecting, but with sadness and frustration staring me straight in the face. 

I was confused at first.

The event was amazing, well done and beautiful. Why was I reacting like this??

I began to talk through things that were coming up with myself and my mother. Verbalizing things that I was ashamed to admit. But once the gate was open I just kept going:

Hi my name is Param Sevak Kaur,

I look for love and affection from other people because I struggle to find it in myself.

I have always worked to help and fix others in a hope that they will in turn love me and need me.

I struggle to find community because even when it is surrounding me part of myself has never felt worthy enough to be a part of the group.

Wow pretty deep stuff.
And here I had been working so hard to love myself these last few years.
But then it hit me.

I have been working on myself and it is showing. 

The fact that I was able to voice parts of myself, that for most of my life I didn't even know guided me, was huge!!!!!

The following morning New Years day I woke up no longer angry, but instead filled with a deep sadness.
Well this was great first I was angry New Years Eve and now I was starting the New Years with sadness?? REALLY???
At first I couldn't pin down why I was upset. Feeling at moments like a tired moody teen instead of the adult I was. And then it hit me...

I Was In the Mourning Part of Letting Go!

 After processing everything I had the night before I was able mourn for the person I used to be. I was mourning for all of the ideas and protective walls I had created that I have been bringing down around my feet over the last year. I was mourning, so that I could acknowledge and release the pain and shame I had held onto for so long.

So often we do not allow ourselves the honor and peace to mourn parts of ourselves we let go.

We are so focused on moving forward and growing that we forget it is good to look back, let the pain and sadness our, and then thank and say a proper good bye to the parts of ourselves that we are letting go.

They were there for a reason: 

to teach you, and to guide you for your next part of your journey. 

Honor that, but also honor the sadness of saying goodbye to something that was a large part of yourself!

That part of me that looked for love from other? 

Taught me to be strong in myself.
For I never found the love I was looking for in others and it began me on my journey to look for love from myself!

That part of me that worked to help and fix others in hopes of finding love from them?

Lead me to understand that deep down I do love serving others but not as a 'fix it girl' but in actually serving other: volunteering for those who are in need.

If I had never struggled with these lessons how would I have searched for the path to who I really am inside??

So Dear Younger Param Sevak,

Thank You!

Your struggle and strength amazes me everyday. The things you went through, the trials you experienced was truly all worth it. I know though at the time it didn't seem like it, but it really was. We met amazing people, learned so much about ourself and those around us and discovered things about ourself that we only could dream of.

You gave me memories and skills that I will cherish as I continue forward in this life. I will look back on you not with frustration but with gratitude for all the lessons you taught me. I know I can have a rather thick skull at times. But I am a better person now because of YOU! Because of your bravery, because of your strength and because of your desire for something more!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Love,
 PSK

As I write this I can image my younger self saying 'Well good! I'm glad you finally learned something' and then sticking her tongue at me. "Okay older PSK, its your turn now go learn something cool too."

She then waves and goes skipping off in to the distance to watch and I continue this new part of my journey.

So no, this isn't how I expected my new years to be, but you know what? I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
What I receive was more precious to me then anything I could have asked for.

Gratitude and A Deep Release

 I am now ready to move forward stronger into the new year.

Not just charging ahead into 2015 but honoring and remembering all that has come before with gratitude and grace so I may make a new path into this new year!

May you take a moment this new year to give thanks and release your younger self. I'm sure he/she is just waiting for you to give them a hug and say thanks you did good kid ;)

Bright blessings and with Love!

P.S.K

Here is a good meditation for healing and releasing the past.

Meditation for the Arc Line and the Clear Karma